The Mountain I Conquered

                                                                        

      Climbing higher and higher, ready to collapse, my mind was racing. My body wanted to give up, but my mind and my heart would not. I was determined to finish that mountain. Just four more hours, I was half way to the peak. It was dark and all I could hear were cowbells. My flashlight was darting everywhere making out some figures in front of me, which were probably the cows. The air was cool, and the stars were looking down on me as if they were waiting to see my next move. I heard the cries of my fellow hikers beside me. All I could do was look down and put one foot in front of the other. The rocks and weeds on the path represented the hardships that have been thrown in my life, some that I overcame and some that I didn’t. To make up for the ones that I didn’t I was going to conquer the mountain. I was determined to step on every rock, weed, or boulder that was in my way. I was going to get to the top of this mountain, no matter what. This time I would literally get to see the sun rise. I was so fixated on getting to the top that I forgot my hungry stomach, and didn’t even notice my broken blisters oozing blood through my shoes. My feet became numb. The cries and the complaints of the other hikers went away; I could only hear the thump of my heart, making music with every step of my feet.  

   Finally I could see that peak, but I still wasn’t there yet. Though my legs were like Jell-O they started to pull me up faster and faster. I felt like I was flying, into the sky. My legs stopped, and I wondered why, but there was no where else my legs could carry me. I had made it to my destination. As I was waiting for the rest of the hikers to come up, a woman gave me a book to sign my name in to prove that I had made it up the mountain. I thought that was somewhat dumb, because I had two feet on this peak; I knew I had made it up to the mountain and that’s all that mattered. I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. Someday someone else would read my name in that book and it wouldn’t mean anything to them.  I physically and mentally didn’t want to write in the book but she kept shoving it in my face. So I attempted to write my name in it, with my frozen bare hands, which took me about a minute to write. I successfully wrote my name almost illegibly; if you stared at my name for about twenty seconds, you could make it out. Most of the hikers had made it up to the peak now, so I huddled next to a few because I was cold. All I could do now was wait to see the sun rise, and all I could hear was the sweet silence all around me. 

   The sun was now making its way through the sky’s path. I was stunned at what my eyes were allowing me to see.  It was as if someone had splashed pink yellow and purple and made it into one panoramic painting surrounding me. I couldn’t just stare at the most beautiful thing nature had created; I had to get off my behind and take some pictures. Snap, snap, click, click, my camera wouldn’t stop. The pictures I took were beautiful, but they were nothing like what I was experiencing. They weren’t breathtaking or indescribable, just simply beautiful. The moment was too surreal to be described in a picture. A camera could only depict a certain amount of beauty, and this sight held so much of it that it was limited by the scope of the camera. Then the sun came up as if to say “hey you made it!” Unfortunately after that we had to head back down the mountain, to our chalet. As I was walking down I couldn’t believe what I had just done, and witnessed, my mind was stuck in that moment, at the top of Bundershpitz, my heart was with me yet beating to a different rhythm. My life was transformed in every way possible. This wasn’t goodbye to Bundershpitz because it gave a piece of itself to me, that I could keep forever.

  

After the Carousel ( A chapter I created in high school before the final chapter in "Catcher In The Rye"

After The Carousel

       After the Carousel I walked Phoebe back to school even though most of her goddamn classes were done for the day anyway. I felt lousy that she skipped most of school for me, but I was also glad she did because being with her made me feel happy again. For one moment I forgot all the crumby stuff that was going on in my life, and I was a kid again. No phonies, no hot shots, no morons, no goddamn assholes. It was just me, Phoebe and Allie just being us and goofing around. But unfortunately I came back to reality, and only saw Phoebe on that carousel. The only real live kid I actually knew. I had to bring Phoebe back to school no matter what I wanted, no matter how much it would stink, I didn’t want her to flunk outta school like me and deal with pompous assholes telling you how you’re a failure every goddamn day. As much as I wanted to soak in more of the sweet innocent air, I couldn’t be selfish to her, she was the only person in this cruel world I really loved besides Allie, but he was only a feeling, a memory, a voice lingering in my head.

   So I got off the bench, while some loser was staring at me like I had nine heads. I wanted to go up to his big nose and say, “Hey creep, what the hellya looking at? I’m not that interesting, I’m just trying to think and savor a moment, while you’re here starring at me with your nose up in the air killing it. Sorry, I don’t get too many good times like you so just leave me the hell  alone you bastard!” I couldn’t say something crumby like that in front of Phoebe, so instead I just glared at him as I was walking away. I waited till the horses on the carousel stopped, and went up to her and told her she was going back to school. Boy, she got upset when I told her that. As we were walking back she kept asking “Why Holden why? I’ve missed most of my classes anyway. What does it matter? You got me to skip and I’m having a good time. Why now?” Boy when she said those words it killed me. I couldn’t look at her cause I was getting sorta teary eyed, because I knew the next time I would have a time like this with Phoebe would be a long time from now, or maybe even never. I grabbed, her soft gentle hand and said “Phoebe it does matter, one class does matter. Ya skipped for me and you’re never gonna do it again ya here? Dont’cha ever do that again. Ya don’t wanna become a loser like me. I’m not even kidding. The day ya find out that this world is full of phonies, ya just blind yourself from them, and just work harder to make this goddamn world better, don’t try to fight them, cause they’ll never go away and all they’ll do is frustrate ya like they did me.”   I will never forget the look she gave me when I said that. Those innocent confused eyes just looked at me as if I was talking in a language she didn’t know. And that I was.

 When we got to the school, I left her off at the front door, I couldn’t bring her to the front door, I was feeling pretty lousy and all. I felt happy that I just had a nice moment for once, but I also felt pretty crumby for taking school time away from Phoebe. I sweetly kissed her for head and told her she would see me pretty damn soon, even though I knew that was a terrific lie. As I watched her walk away gracefully, I saw a boy bout a year older than her. He kinda gave me uneasy feeling, I don’t even know why. It might’ve had to do with the fact that he looked like a mini Stradlater, or the fact that I felt like passing out for some reason. But there he was, in his nice expensive clothes and all, saying hi to Phoebe, and there they were flirting away, while I was praying to god that Phoebe would never have to deal with a Stradlater in her life. I’d punch the bastard’s brains out if a guy like that ever messed with my sister. I’m not being the heroic corny brother for my sister; I’m just stating a fact. I would honestly punch his brains out because Phoebe or any girl shouldn’t deal with a damn moron like him. Phony guys like him that ruin girls’ lives like Jane’s need to go die.

Dizzy, angry, sad, and confused, I left the school. Let me rephrase that, I ran the hell away from that school. I ran and ran until I couldn’t feel my legs no more. I ran until I felt like I almost disappeared, yet I could still hear birds talking to each other and lousy people striking up superficial small talk. What else was there to talk about these days? I didn’t wanna hear that crap anymore. I wanted to be in a world where I only heard my voice, where no one would dare talk to me just for awhile though. I couldn’t do anything as far as killing myself because someone still mattered in my miserable world. Someone still made me feel goddamn happy. No way in hell was I gonna leave Old Phoebe. Even though it ran across my mind quite a few times, I wouldn’t dare do that knowing I had Phoebe in my life. But I certainly knew what I could do. I went to that dumpy little joint that I met D.B.’s old fling at. I went in and thanked god that that phony little moron of a piano player wasn’t there. I sat down and looked at some pretty looking girls, none worth talking to though. So I got a few to many drinks, and was definitely pretty damn drunk. Boy did that feel pretty nice to be in my own world, not even hearing the lousy people around me; it was as if they weren’t even there. I disappeared.

  At that moment I made a pretty dumb move, but who doesn’t when they’re drunk? I mistook the guy sitting next to me for Allie. It wasn’t one of my usual conversations with Allie, that I can control myself with. I actually thought this big shot was Allie. I don’t even know how a big shot could even remind me of Allie, but I guess anyone can be anybody when you’re drunk. I really started talking to the moron I was saying all sort of crazy things like “Allie are ya really back? Ya haven’t been missing much here; everyone’s gone to hell since you’ve left. It’s really crumby; you can’t find barley any real people man. It just stinks. Phonies, bastards, hot shots, ya name every crumby thing and we got it down here. It’s a living hell. A living hell!! I’m a failure to these phonies too Allie. How can I succeed living with phonies? All I have is Phoebe. Mom and Dad don’t give a crap they’re just as phony. Dad always out at business meetings or traveling mom is always at flashy cocktail parties, comparing how much goddamn money she has. Well she can’t compare her goddamn son to anyone now because he’s a failure!! Ha, stupid assholes can’t say anything to that, can they? Why dont'cha send stupid Holden to another stupid phony boarding school and see what happens again. Fail!!! Failure!!! Ha, they’ll never goddamn learn will they Allie?” Little did I know that the moron I was speaking to was my father. I don’t know what the hell he was doing there; doubt it was a business meeting though.

I then woke up at some point in my old bed. I didn’t know how I got there, until my dad started screaming his goddamn head off. Said I was “crazy and abnormal”, that I was “different and that I needed real help”. That “I belonged in a loony bin”. Then he socked me in the stomach. Then I lost it and fought back for once in my life. Not only did I punch back but I threw the painting in the living room that my mother made, screaming and crying about how we have no damn family, and how my parents cover up every problem. I told my dad I had no life, and that he didn’t either. Thank god all he did was put me in the car drive me to an institution and told them I was a complete mental case, that I’ve tried to kill myself, that I’m a danger to people, and to beware of me cause I deny I have a problem and that I’m good at convincing people. That was no lie, but sure call it different, call it whatever, but I am no goddman moron, my dad mistook himself for me. So there I was with some lady in a white jacket. She offered me a place to sit and a pill. I didn’t care, that I didn’t need this place; it felt better than the real world, so I sat down and took a pill.

I was sent away again now for the millionth time, another problem fixed. Then of course my dad went home and told my mother and Phoebe what a creep I was. Obviously mom probably didn’t have much to say because she already knows I’m a failure to her family. But only Phoebe knew the truth.