My Trip To The Midwest

Ears filled with music so I wouldn’t have to hear the airport chatter my mind fills with all the possible scenarios of my first tornado in the Midwest. Isaac had told me that most people in their right mind wouldn’t go after a tornado, yet assured me that chasing with him and his friends would be completely safe because we’d be not only in a car but we’d know which way the tornado was going because he and his friends have radar that they follow. Sounded comforting sort of, but I wasn’t really thinking about that. I was thinking of the thrill that I’d have road tripping in the Midwest, chasing after one of the most powerful things on earth, weather.                 

       I hear my flight number called and this trip is getting more and more real to me. I had planned this trip six months ago, and I had waited for eternity for this day to come and here it was, for me to bask in. I sit by the window and get ready for takeoff. My hands clammy, my heart beating my eyes dance with the clouds out the window and I start to imagine my trip. Will we see lightning shows in the sky? Will I be right next to a tornado? So many possibilities my mind was overwhelmed and I went to sleep.                                                                

       “Ms. We have arrived in Oklahoma. Excuse me. We have arrived.” Startled I realized I had slept during the whole plane trip. Baffled as to why I fell asleep on feeling so excited I realized my excitement and exhaustion from the day before had made me physically and mentally tired. I had decided to go on a five mile run and I hadn’t done it in three years. The energy built up before this trip had to get somewhat released and that was my way of dealing with it. A mess, I get off the plane and see a bunch of people with signs and people embracing each other. I look left and right and don’t see my friend and wait impatiently for one minute, until he and his storm chasing friend Colt run up to me. Warm and excited I run up to both and give them a hug. We walk and chat about our plans for the week. Once I got to the car Isaac pulled out a bag of my favorite beef jerky that you can only get in Oklahoma. Starving I ate the whole bag in five minutes, we then at at a little breakfast diner and I was perfectly happy.                   

     That night we drove to Colt’s house in a small town in Kansas because the airport I was at was near his house. The first thing I hear when I get up is, “This storm might have some potential do you think it’s worth it Isaac?” Were we really going to see a tornado on DAY ONE?!Without hesitation I sprinted to Colt’s bathroom I got as fast as a girl could get ready and we were off, for nine long hours of my life. All I saw out the window was cows and grass and open land. It was refreshing to see that there was so much land in the Midwest that hadn’t been corrupted by big businesses and unnecessary stores but I saw nothing spectacular in terms of weather, maybe one raindrop. But who was I to expect something on my first day. Though they had radar a potential storm could either die or pick up, and the risk that they chose was to chase it, because that would have been a lot worse if we missed a tornado. With that thought in my mind we drove to Norman Oklahoma to their apartment.                                                                                 

       Six of Isaac’s other storm chasing friends were there and they immediately made me feel comfortable. On my first night, I could laugh and not worry about what these strangers thought of me and their stories about chasing got me hooked onto conversation for hours. With one glass of rum and coke, and numerous stories I was out in a few hours. The next day we toured around Norman and ate some specialties that I could only get in the Midwest, some burgers, fried okra, and I bought more beef jerky. We drove around Norman and Oklahoma City and went to the breath taking Oklahoma City bombing memorial. It made me think what kind of a person could do that to not only another human, but innocent children? What could make a person so evil, and so mad, to do such a thing. Not to mention the man that did this horrible act was part of the U.S. army. Going there emphasized that no one knows who anyone is. Once we were done with the memorial we silently walked into the car. Lights passing my eyes yet no crowds of people walking in this city was something hadn’t seen before. I was use to the sea of people in New York and in Boston, flowing with the lights and to see one without the other showed me what a small bubble I was living in.                                                                                                                                                  

       My last night in Oklahoma was sad because I wanted to hang out with these people more and I wanted to get to know them better, yet we had a mission. Tornadoes in Nebraska that only two of Isaac’s storm chasing friends were going to chase. Packing was now natural to me, and I got ready faster than I ever had not to mention for a twelve hour car ride. Time flew by surprisingly enough, talking about our troubles and blasting music. On top of the storm we were chasing we found another potential storm in Kansas that we went for. A quarter sized hail knocked on Isaac’s windshield, as we were communicating with Isaac’s other team mates in their cars. I was satisfied already. We had even seen a funnel that could have potentially touched the ground and become a tornado. As we drove our eyes were looking everywhere so we wouldn’t miss anything, until Isaac’s car plunged into a ditch. I thought the car was going to tip over. Creak. It had stabilized and the wheels were splattering mud as the car went in drive. Calling triple A did nothing because we were in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. All I saw around me were fields and a few dirt roads leading to the houses that were in charge of the fields. This would happen on our chase. Surly, we wouldn’t make it to Nebraska in time to see the tornadoes. I was torn, until five farmers drove up with a truck and pulled us out of the ditch with a chain. They made it look so simple and we felt silly for getting stuck in such a spot. We were clearly from Boston. We thanked them and offered them money that they refused to take. Instead they gave me a bracelet to always remember them by. I had never seen a bracelet like it. It was braided thick green and brown rope that had a buckle on it. This bracelet had a past, and now it was my turn to give it some more.                    

     Isaac’s storm chasing friends were chasing the small storm that caused us to get stuck in a ditch yet they kept chasing it in fear of missing something spectacular that the weather could produce. Yet, they found nothing and we all met up to head to Nebraska at seven. We weren’t at our hotel till midnight and Colt was complaining because he wanted to drive to the spot where the tornado hit and then chase it, which made no sense because we’d be too tired to chase. A passionate Isaac told him to sleep, while that night I dreamt about hail. I thought I dreamt about hail because I saw a piece of hail the other day, but that was foreshadowing my real adventure that changed my life forever. Another seven hours of driving that day, but the most exciting seven hours in my life. I was so excited that I couldn’t use the bathroom when we were passing a gas station because the clouds were so dark and we could see the storm form right ahead of us. I wanted to drive right to it. I have never been surrounded by so much dark cloud mixed in with fear and excitement. We parked the car and took pictures until we saw the threadlike gray swirl to the ground. It was a weak tornado that lasted a few seconds yet a tornado none the less that we reported to the weather station. I was happy we took one car for this huge chase because it was hard communicating with everyone in different cars, and this storm could have potentially turned out life threatening to us. We took Scott’s brand new gold Toyota for this trip which almost did die. As the urge to pee increased the rain blanketed our car so much that I couldn’t tell the difference between the touching of the rain and the hail stones wrecking our windshield. They were much bigger than the size of a quarter. They were golf ball sized hail. As they were falling down on the car, my urge to pee went away because my fear overpowered my physical need. I thought the hail would go through the sun roof and we would be done, but it had just cracked the windshield. Other cars on the road had missing windshields so I considered ourselves lucky. Though that was one of the strangest moments of my life this storm wasn’t over.                                         

    Going over one hundred miles an hour, Scott calmly rode through the nasty black surrounding us. All there was was black. At this point I thought my bladder was going to burst as Colt tried to calm me down by patting by back and saying “We’re almost in a town”. The phrase “Timing Is Everything” proved to be true. Just as we saw a gas station ice rocks pounded on our car, and we kept the car safe under the gas station because the roof went out. I sprinted to the building in fear of being hit in the head with the ice rocks and once I was relieved, I came out to see grapefruits of ice. Legitimate grapefruits of ice. It was beautiful yet could do so much damage to someone if they were hit with it. Just from sprinting I had a bruise on my wrist from one of these monsters. Though we were in awe we couldn’t gloat on this masterpiece, we had tornadoes to chase. So we grabbed a few hail stones and booked it to the dark clouds, and soon enough we were in it.                                                                                                                                            

   To our left and right gustnadoes were swirling around spinning up the ground, yet we had no choice to go in it, because the sun roof revealed a funnel forming right over our heads. It wasn’t a long funnel yet, but we could see the clouds rotate furiously and form the base of a funnel, and all I could hear was “Tornado! Tornado! We gotta leave”. Isaac had promised me we’d be fine, but how could I hold him to such a promise. Though we did everything right and watched our radar, if something went wrong with the car, if we went any slower we could have gotten hurt. I had no idea how powerful it was (it wasn’t very powerful) but no one thought that about Joplin, and the weather could decide what it felt like. I was powerless. I thought of all the people that told me to be careful on this trip, and thought of everyone I loved and needed to say I love you to. I whipped out my phone thinking who I could say that to in one minute, but there wasn’t enough time I was powerless. The weather controlled everything.                                                     

      We got out of the darkness around us and stopped our car far far away and watched in silence. This adventure said so many things. No matter what information, the world will decide what it feels like doing, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. In one split second life could be taken away from you. Mother Nature gives us the privilege to thrive on her earth, and with that comes risk of having that taken away. I shouldn’t have been so cocky leading up to this event, because I truly thought my life was done and I wasn’t ready to leave. Some people aren’t as lucky to have that feeling and be ok or alive, but I was that lucky and from that have lived my life from that day on differently. Because of that I try and speak my mind more, I don’t hold back on my passions, because really there’s no time to wait.

The Mountain I Conquered

                                                                        

      Climbing higher and higher, ready to collapse, my mind was racing. My body wanted to give up, but my mind and my heart would not. I was determined to finish that mountain. Just four more hours, I was half way to the peak. It was dark and all I could hear were cowbells. My flashlight was darting everywhere making out some figures in front of me, which were probably the cows. The air was cool, and the stars were looking down on me as if they were waiting to see my next move. I heard the cries of my fellow hikers beside me. All I could do was look down and put one foot in front of the other. The rocks and weeds on the path represented the hardships that have been thrown in my life, some that I overcame and some that I didn’t. To make up for the ones that I didn’t I was going to conquer the mountain. I was determined to step on every rock, weed, or boulder that was in my way. I was going to get to the top of this mountain, no matter what. This time I would literally get to see the sun rise. I was so fixated on getting to the top that I forgot my hungry stomach, and didn’t even notice my broken blisters oozing blood through my shoes. My feet became numb. The cries and the complaints of the other hikers went away; I could only hear the thump of my heart, making music with every step of my feet.  

   Finally I could see that peak, but I still wasn’t there yet. Though my legs were like Jell-O they started to pull me up faster and faster. I felt like I was flying, into the sky. My legs stopped, and I wondered why, but there was no where else my legs could carry me. I had made it to my destination. As I was waiting for the rest of the hikers to come up, a woman gave me a book to sign my name in to prove that I had made it up the mountain. I thought that was somewhat dumb, because I had two feet on this peak; I knew I had made it up to the mountain and that’s all that mattered. I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. Someday someone else would read my name in that book and it wouldn’t mean anything to them.  I physically and mentally didn’t want to write in the book but she kept shoving it in my face. So I attempted to write my name in it, with my frozen bare hands, which took me about a minute to write. I successfully wrote my name almost illegibly; if you stared at my name for about twenty seconds, you could make it out. Most of the hikers had made it up to the peak now, so I huddled next to a few because I was cold. All I could do now was wait to see the sun rise, and all I could hear was the sweet silence all around me. 

   The sun was now making its way through the sky’s path. I was stunned at what my eyes were allowing me to see.  It was as if someone had splashed pink yellow and purple and made it into one panoramic painting surrounding me. I couldn’t just stare at the most beautiful thing nature had created; I had to get off my behind and take some pictures. Snap, snap, click, click, my camera wouldn’t stop. The pictures I took were beautiful, but they were nothing like what I was experiencing. They weren’t breathtaking or indescribable, just simply beautiful. The moment was too surreal to be described in a picture. A camera could only depict a certain amount of beauty, and this sight held so much of it that it was limited by the scope of the camera. Then the sun came up as if to say “hey you made it!” Unfortunately after that we had to head back down the mountain, to our chalet. As I was walking down I couldn’t believe what I had just done, and witnessed, my mind was stuck in that moment, at the top of Bundershpitz, my heart was with me yet beating to a different rhythm. My life was transformed in every way possible. This wasn’t goodbye to Bundershpitz because it gave a piece of itself to me, that I could keep forever.

  

After the Carousel ( A chapter I created in high school before the final chapter in "Catcher In The Rye"

After The Carousel

       After the Carousel I walked Phoebe back to school even though most of her goddamn classes were done for the day anyway. I felt lousy that she skipped most of school for me, but I was also glad she did because being with her made me feel happy again. For one moment I forgot all the crumby stuff that was going on in my life, and I was a kid again. No phonies, no hot shots, no morons, no goddamn assholes. It was just me, Phoebe and Allie just being us and goofing around. But unfortunately I came back to reality, and only saw Phoebe on that carousel. The only real live kid I actually knew. I had to bring Phoebe back to school no matter what I wanted, no matter how much it would stink, I didn’t want her to flunk outta school like me and deal with pompous assholes telling you how you’re a failure every goddamn day. As much as I wanted to soak in more of the sweet innocent air, I couldn’t be selfish to her, she was the only person in this cruel world I really loved besides Allie, but he was only a feeling, a memory, a voice lingering in my head.

   So I got off the bench, while some loser was staring at me like I had nine heads. I wanted to go up to his big nose and say, “Hey creep, what the hellya looking at? I’m not that interesting, I’m just trying to think and savor a moment, while you’re here starring at me with your nose up in the air killing it. Sorry, I don’t get too many good times like you so just leave me the hell  alone you bastard!” I couldn’t say something crumby like that in front of Phoebe, so instead I just glared at him as I was walking away. I waited till the horses on the carousel stopped, and went up to her and told her she was going back to school. Boy, she got upset when I told her that. As we were walking back she kept asking “Why Holden why? I’ve missed most of my classes anyway. What does it matter? You got me to skip and I’m having a good time. Why now?” Boy when she said those words it killed me. I couldn’t look at her cause I was getting sorta teary eyed, because I knew the next time I would have a time like this with Phoebe would be a long time from now, or maybe even never. I grabbed, her soft gentle hand and said “Phoebe it does matter, one class does matter. Ya skipped for me and you’re never gonna do it again ya here? Dont’cha ever do that again. Ya don’t wanna become a loser like me. I’m not even kidding. The day ya find out that this world is full of phonies, ya just blind yourself from them, and just work harder to make this goddamn world better, don’t try to fight them, cause they’ll never go away and all they’ll do is frustrate ya like they did me.”   I will never forget the look she gave me when I said that. Those innocent confused eyes just looked at me as if I was talking in a language she didn’t know. And that I was.

 When we got to the school, I left her off at the front door, I couldn’t bring her to the front door, I was feeling pretty lousy and all. I felt happy that I just had a nice moment for once, but I also felt pretty crumby for taking school time away from Phoebe. I sweetly kissed her for head and told her she would see me pretty damn soon, even though I knew that was a terrific lie. As I watched her walk away gracefully, I saw a boy bout a year older than her. He kinda gave me uneasy feeling, I don’t even know why. It might’ve had to do with the fact that he looked like a mini Stradlater, or the fact that I felt like passing out for some reason. But there he was, in his nice expensive clothes and all, saying hi to Phoebe, and there they were flirting away, while I was praying to god that Phoebe would never have to deal with a Stradlater in her life. I’d punch the bastard’s brains out if a guy like that ever messed with my sister. I’m not being the heroic corny brother for my sister; I’m just stating a fact. I would honestly punch his brains out because Phoebe or any girl shouldn’t deal with a damn moron like him. Phony guys like him that ruin girls’ lives like Jane’s need to go die.

Dizzy, angry, sad, and confused, I left the school. Let me rephrase that, I ran the hell away from that school. I ran and ran until I couldn’t feel my legs no more. I ran until I felt like I almost disappeared, yet I could still hear birds talking to each other and lousy people striking up superficial small talk. What else was there to talk about these days? I didn’t wanna hear that crap anymore. I wanted to be in a world where I only heard my voice, where no one would dare talk to me just for awhile though. I couldn’t do anything as far as killing myself because someone still mattered in my miserable world. Someone still made me feel goddamn happy. No way in hell was I gonna leave Old Phoebe. Even though it ran across my mind quite a few times, I wouldn’t dare do that knowing I had Phoebe in my life. But I certainly knew what I could do. I went to that dumpy little joint that I met D.B.’s old fling at. I went in and thanked god that that phony little moron of a piano player wasn’t there. I sat down and looked at some pretty looking girls, none worth talking to though. So I got a few to many drinks, and was definitely pretty damn drunk. Boy did that feel pretty nice to be in my own world, not even hearing the lousy people around me; it was as if they weren’t even there. I disappeared.

  At that moment I made a pretty dumb move, but who doesn’t when they’re drunk? I mistook the guy sitting next to me for Allie. It wasn’t one of my usual conversations with Allie, that I can control myself with. I actually thought this big shot was Allie. I don’t even know how a big shot could even remind me of Allie, but I guess anyone can be anybody when you’re drunk. I really started talking to the moron I was saying all sort of crazy things like “Allie are ya really back? Ya haven’t been missing much here; everyone’s gone to hell since you’ve left. It’s really crumby; you can’t find barley any real people man. It just stinks. Phonies, bastards, hot shots, ya name every crumby thing and we got it down here. It’s a living hell. A living hell!! I’m a failure to these phonies too Allie. How can I succeed living with phonies? All I have is Phoebe. Mom and Dad don’t give a crap they’re just as phony. Dad always out at business meetings or traveling mom is always at flashy cocktail parties, comparing how much goddamn money she has. Well she can’t compare her goddamn son to anyone now because he’s a failure!! Ha, stupid assholes can’t say anything to that, can they? Why dont'cha send stupid Holden to another stupid phony boarding school and see what happens again. Fail!!! Failure!!! Ha, they’ll never goddamn learn will they Allie?” Little did I know that the moron I was speaking to was my father. I don’t know what the hell he was doing there; doubt it was a business meeting though.

I then woke up at some point in my old bed. I didn’t know how I got there, until my dad started screaming his goddamn head off. Said I was “crazy and abnormal”, that I was “different and that I needed real help”. That “I belonged in a loony bin”. Then he socked me in the stomach. Then I lost it and fought back for once in my life. Not only did I punch back but I threw the painting in the living room that my mother made, screaming and crying about how we have no damn family, and how my parents cover up every problem. I told my dad I had no life, and that he didn’t either. Thank god all he did was put me in the car drive me to an institution and told them I was a complete mental case, that I’ve tried to kill myself, that I’m a danger to people, and to beware of me cause I deny I have a problem and that I’m good at convincing people. That was no lie, but sure call it different, call it whatever, but I am no goddman moron, my dad mistook himself for me. So there I was with some lady in a white jacket. She offered me a place to sit and a pill. I didn’t care, that I didn’t need this place; it felt better than the real world, so I sat down and took a pill.

I was sent away again now for the millionth time, another problem fixed. Then of course my dad went home and told my mother and Phoebe what a creep I was. Obviously mom probably didn’t have much to say because she already knows I’m a failure to her family. But only Phoebe knew the truth.